"No need to audit Fort Knox"
says leader of Hasidic Jew community

March 10, 2025- In an unexpected twist to the ongoing debate over the contents of Fort Knox, Rabbi Moshe Goldstein, a prominent leader of the Hasidic Jewish community in Brooklyn, has declared that there is "absolutely no need" to audit the United States Bullion Depository. His statement, delivered at a weekend gathering, has baffled financial analysts, conspiracy theorists, and the general public alike. However, his followers nodded in agreement, treating the matter with the same level of blind faith typically reserved for kosher dietary laws.

A Divine Perspective on Secular Matters

Speaking at a post-Shabbat dinner, Rabbi Goldstein unexpectedly steered the conversation away from the weekly Torah portion and straight into America’s gold reserves, a topic few had expected to hear that evening. “Why should we concern ourselves with what’s inside Fort Knox?” he mused between bites of kugel. “We have faith that it’s there, just as we have faith that the sun will rise each morning. Some things are better left unseen. You don’t check your wife’s challah recipe every time she bakes—it just works.”

His congregation, already accustomed to the rabbi’s unconventional insights, listened intently. However, his statement sent shockwaves across financial and political circles, particularly among those who have long questioned whether the U.S. government is actually hoarding the vast gold reserves it claims to have. Meanwhile, the rabbi’s remarks also sparked debates in the Hasidic community, with one attendee whispering, “If he has this much faith in Fort Knox, maybe I should ask him if my crypto investments are a good idea.”

Trump and Musk Stir the Pot

The rabbi’s comments come on the heels of renewed calls to audit Fort Knox, most notably by former President Donald Trump and billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk. At a recent rally in Florida, Trump raised the issue in classic Trumpian fashion, stating, “Nobody knows. Maybe somebody took the gold. I mean, it’s a lot of gold. Tons of gold. Some people are saying it’s missing. I don’t know. I think we should check. But they won’t let us check. Suspicious, right?” The crowd erupted into chants of “Audit the vault!” while one particularly enthusiastic supporter was seen waving a homemade “MAKE FORT KNOX GOLD AGAIN” sign.

Musk, never one to miss an opportunity to stoke internet controversy, took to X (formerly Twitter) to add fuel to the fire. “Who is confirming that the gold wasn’t stolen? Could be there. Could be in space. Just saying. #GoldX,” he posted, leaving his 180 million followers to spiral into endless speculation. Within minutes, replies ranged from calls for blockchain-based gold tracking to proposals for launching SpaceX satellites to scan the vault. Some users even suggested that Musk himself might secretly own Fort Knox, an idea he did little to dismiss.

Conspiracy Theorists Unite

Predictably, conspiracy theorists wasted no time in rallying behind these high-profile endorsements. Hashtags like #FortKnoxGate and #ShowUsTheGold began trending as armchair economists and online sleuths furiously debated whether the U.S. Treasury was engaged in an elaborate cover-up. The theories varied wildly: some suggested that the gold had been secretly moved to fund shadow governments, while others proposed it had been replaced with gold-plated tungsten bars in a plot orchestrated by the Illuminati.

Alex Jones, always eager to fan the flames of paranoia, devoted an entire two-hour segment to the issue, screaming, “They want you to believe the gold is there! They want you to sleep, to close your eyes, to just accept their lies! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!” His rant culminated in a furious demand for a citizen-led storming of Fort Knox, which he later backpedaled on, clarifying, “Metaphorically, of course.” Meanwhile, libertarians online began drafting plans for an “Audit the Vault” march—though their enthusiasm waned when they realized Fort Knox was in Kentucky, which many admitted was “kind of far.”

Government Response: A Collective Eye Roll

Treasury officials, exhausted by the never-ending calls for audits, issued a brief statement reiterating that Fort Knox’s gold reserves were fully accounted for and that regular inspections were conducted. “The gold is there. It has always been there. We are not hiding anything,” the statement read, with an almost audible sigh between the lines. However, skeptics pointed out that a full-scale audit of Fort Knox hasn’t been conducted in decades, which only fueled further speculation that the vault may be emptier than President Biden’s teleprompter during an unscripted Q&A.

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre attempted to put the matter to rest during a press briefing, stating, “There is no reason to question the integrity of Fort Knox. The gold is secure.” Unfortunately, when pressed on when the last full inventory check took place, she hesitated before muttering, “Well, um, we’d have to get back to you on that.” Conspiracists immediately latched onto her response, taking it as a clear indication that Fort Knox was now just an expensive, heavily guarded room full of cobwebs and disappointment.

Rabbi Goldstein’s Final Word

As the media frenzy continued, Rabbi Goldstein stood by his original remarks, offering an even more perplexing analogy in a follow-up interview. “You don’t open the Torah every day just to make sure the words are still there. Some things are sacred. Fort Knox is one of them,” he explained. “Besides, even if the gold’s gone, what are we going to do? Yell at it to come back?”

His unwavering confidence baffled financial analysts and tickled political commentators alike. Some suggested he be made an honorary Federal Reserve advisor, while others wondered if his wisdom extended beyond economics. “If the rabbi can solve Fort Knox, maybe he can settle the whole inflation thing too,” one observer quipped.

At press time, rumors were swirling that Musk was considering launching “GoldCoin,” a new cryptocurrency backed by an undisclosed amount of “alleged” Fort Knox gold, while Trump had promised to personally investigate the vault “as soon as I’m back in the White House.” Meanwhile, Rabbi Goldstein was last seen sipping tea and preparing for his next big declaration—on whether we really need to count the number of matzo balls in a soup.

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