Brain Worm Inside RFK Jr.’s Head Dies of Starvation

March 4, 2025 – The long-suffering parasitic brain worm residing inside Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s cranium has reportedly perished due to extreme malnutrition, sources close to the situation confirm.

The worm, identified by researchers as Neuroleptus Conspiratitis, is believed to have survived for years on a steady diet of vaccine misinformation, 5G paranoia, and lead-based paint chips. However, in recent months, the worm’s environment grew increasingly barren, leading to its tragic demise.

A Tragic End for a Once Thriving Organism

Experts speculate that the worm had been in decline ever since RFK Jr. began publicly pushing claims so extreme that even Alex Jones hesitated before nodding along. "We suspect the worm initially feasted on vintage Cold War-era mercury poisoning theories, but as RFK Jr.’s rhetoric became more erratic, the worm found itself unable to extract any remaining nutrients from his thought process," said Dr. Linda Barstow, a leading parasitologist at Johns Hopkins.

Reports indicate that the worm made several desperate attempts to nourish itself, even trying to absorb sustenance from RFK Jr.'s more recent "Bigfoot is a CIA psyop" rants. However, even the most durable parasites require a minimal level of cognitive coherence to survive, which RFK Jr. had apparently ceased to provide.

Signs of Starvation Ignored

Medical professionals believe the worm had been showing signs of distress for months, likely manifesting in RFK Jr.’s increasingly bizarre statements. “It was clear something was wrong when he suggested WiFi signals could reprogram human DNA,” said Dr. Barstow. “That’s the equivalent of a brain worm crying out for help.”

Attempts to save the parasite by introducing nutrient-dense supplements, such as peer-reviewed science and basic logic, were ultimately unsuccessful. “We tried exposing it to a medical textbook, but it curled up and died on the spot,” reported one source.

What Happens Next?

Now that the brain worm has passed, medical professionals are unsure of what impact this will have on RFK Jr. “Ordinarily, we would expect cognitive improvement,” said Dr. Barstow. “But given the circumstances, there’s a real possibility the worm wasn’t a parasite—it was the host.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists on Twitter are already claiming that the brain worm was "assassinated by the Deep State," with some suggesting it may have faked its own death and is currently hiding inside Joe Rogan’s skull.

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen staring into the mirror, whispering, "Am I the worm now?"

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