Space Nazis Speak Out

Moon Nazis Break 80-Year Silence to Condemn U.S. Government

March 5, 2025 – In a shocking intergalactic address, the long-rumored Nazi colony on the Moon has finally broken its silence—not to declare war, but to express deep disappointment with the current state of the United States government.

"This Is Not What We Expected," Say Lunar Fascists

Speaking from a secret moon base built in 1945, the lunar Nazi leadership issued a rare statement, transmitted via an old V-2 rocket antenna. "We spent decades in exile, believing the American empire would be a formidable adversary, a worthy opponent in the ideological struggle for dominance," said Moon Reichsführer Günter Stahlhelm. "But instead, we have been met with incompetence, conspiracy theories, and a military that can’t even launch a single coup properly. It is deeply embarrassing."

The statement went on to accuse modern America of "desecrating the fine tradition of authoritarianism" by relying on "baffling levels of stupidity rather than efficient, iron-fisted rule."

Disappointed in Modern Fascists

The Moon Nazis also took particular issue with the rise of modern far-right groups in the United States, describing them as "disorganized, socially awkward, and weirdly obsessed with frogs."

"In our time, fascists had a sense of discipline. They wore uniforms, had marches, and read entire books—yes, books! We never thought we'd see the day when our ideological successors would rally behind a guy who eats cheeseburgers in bed and sells Bibles on his website," lamented Stahlhelm.

Praise for U.S. Space Efforts, Sort Of

Despite their criticisms, the Moon Nazis did have some positive words for NASA, particularly in regard to its Artemis program. "We are impressed that you’re finally returning to the Moon, but we must ask—why did it take you 50 years?" the statement read. "Did you get lost? Was there traffic? Even we got here in the '40s with slide rules and stolen Polish mathematicians."

However, the lunar fascists quickly tempered their praise, noting that recent American lunar missions have been plagued by budget cuts and logistical failures. "Honestly, we thought Elon Musk would have gotten here first, but it turns out he is just another capitalist charlatan who overpromises and underdelivers."

What’s Next?

When asked whether the Moon Nazis planned to invade Earth, their response was lukewarm. "Honestly, we’re not sure it’s worth the trouble," said Stahlhelm. "Why bother conquering a country that is already tearing itself apart over gas stoves and pronouns?"

Instead, the exiled Third Reich leadership announced plans to remain on the Moon, focusing on "scientific research, lunar farming, and waiting for a species capable of basic governance to emerge."

Meanwhile, back on Earth, American political pundits scrambled to interpret the message. Tucker Carlson described it as "a bold wake-up call," while MSNBC questioned whether the Moon Nazis were actually Russian disinformation.

At press time, the Biden administration was reportedly considering sending a diplomatic envoy to the Moon but was struggling to find someone who could both negotiate with fascists and survive a zero-gravity environment. Sources say Henry Kissinger was briefly considered, until they remembered he had already left for Hell.

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